You assume that you are just living here, because you are able to add up your days, your years one by one. Life becomes a simple math equation in which a set value is derived. And this value is one that you can appreciate, you can keep a secret, you can be proud of, you can use to your advantage… But within these numbers and calendars and seasons and years—your life is measured, it is quantified.
And although I do not know what exactly you do with your numbers, they can definitely make your life easier such as being a simple password in your phone. But these numbers are also placed beside your name on government documents and they declare that: you were born, you are living here, you exist.
Whether we use the Gregorian calendar or the Hijiri calendar measurements or whether you write your age as 30 or 45 or 56…these numbers are only describing the numerical length of your life. They represent ten digits that can be interchanged in any combination—increasing one at a time, year after year.
However, as your number increases, so too, it is assumed, that your experience increases and with experience comes more respect and trust. And although you may feel you can trust your number a little, another side of you may not be so sure that you are deserving of the respect and trust you are given.
In reality, wiseness is not found within your numbers, but rather, within your words. And as your words increase, so too will your wisdom and gratitude. You will begin to understand that even though you can’t fully trust life, you can trust in your numbers even less.
And if you are so lucky, you will reach an age when you realize that to live your current number all over again would be a blessing. Because the thing is, if you do not have a good relationship with your numbers from the beginning, then it won’t matter when the new numbers come. This you can be sure of.
When you pause to look at the memories of your numbers you will find that child, that youth, that adult that you once were. You will remember them in all of their excitement, their dreams, their disappointments, their longings, their happiness, their success, their losses. And it is then that you will acknowledge that numbers are not putting any meaning to these things and you will awaken to the fact that even words are only a tool to help you explain the life that you lived.
What is left to you are all of the numbers and the words in your memory—all of the living that you have done. Many of them are still as clear as the moment they were lived, but many others are faded, blurred images. It is at this point that you will recognize that you are not living here, you are just passing through. When you realize this, you will remember all of the others who have come and gone. And you will finally make peace that you, too, will go in the same way.
In the end, when you leave this Earth, the last numbers will be recorded on granite. Though you have words, they are only capable of explaining a microcosm of the life that you lived. Ultimately, it is what transpires from your heart that will finally help you to accept that you are not of here, you are simply passing through.
Translated by: Nuray Narbay & Kristin Bond
Edited by: Kristin Bond
Aya Sordum 